I am a procrastinator. It is March 14th and I have not put my tax paperwork together yet. Now you might say "aw you have another month, give yourself a break", but I really don't. My son is in college and the FAFSA must be updated and the college needs all info by April 1st. I DO have an appointment with our tax man for this coming week and that helps to push me into getting things together. However, it is Saturday night and I REALLY need to be working on it, and guess what... I am NOT.
A friend of mine told me the other day that she likes reading what I write, because I am so honest. Actually what she said was "I love your writing! and your honesty". I thought alot about that in the last few days, and honestly I am not quite as honest as I would like to be about some things. Generally what I am not completely honest about is the hard parts of my life. And really when I think about it it is less about honesty and more about not being completely transparent. Truth be told, parts of my life are a real mess, but it is not just MY story to tell, so I have to be careful about how much I share.
I will say this, because maybe it will help someone else. I have been separated from my husband for 8 months. We continue to try to work things out, but it ebbs and flows and right now things are tough (at least in my mind). I can say, I miss my home and I miss my cats and I miss my dishwasher and wash machine. I can also say I am grateful that I have a roof over my head (albeit a noisy one because some of the other tenants are noisy). I can say that I am grateful that they allowed me to bring my Ruby with me. And I am grateful that I was able to get a two bedroom so that Nate (my son) could move with me. I am grateful that I have the support of my kids and family and friends. I can say that I am grateful that I also have maintain a relationship with my husband's family.
BUT I will be honest, these 8 months have been tough and they don't look like they will be ending anytime soon. I get angry and frustrated, I get lonely and tired of it all. I can see plainly what needs to be done to make it "right", BUT you know we always KNOW what the OTHER person needs to do. So, I KNOW what Scott needs to do, but when I really think about it, what I know doesn't matter. What I need to know is "what is MY plan". What do I need to do? How do I stop writing other peoples stories and write my own? I need to write a new story, and that is what I have been trying to do during these 8 months. I falter alot. I take my marriage seriously and so does he. My "new" story includes taking care of me. It is a 24 hour PLUS daily job. I had really lost who I was over the years. It is so easy to do. We get busy with family, kids, work and all the day to day stuff and we push ourselves aside.
So, what does my new story look like? It isn't written yet, but it has chapter titles and an outline and I have been working hard on it for these last 8 months but it is time to STOP procrastinating and get serious. (you see how I brought that back around to "procrastination"?). So, yes, the taxes need to get done this weekend (there is my kick in the butt), but my new story needs to take flight a little more each day.
I just read something recently about divorce/separation and how the grief is similar to a spouse dying and though I can not speak on how it feels to have a spouse die, I can tell you that this separation comes with a great deal of pain and emotions. This has zapped my creativity and my energy in ways I would have never imagined. But I am also here to say, you get stronger, you don't cry everyday and if you are smart you spend time with people who help to light you darkened path.
My new story? It includes taking care of me so that I can live a long healthy life and enjoy my family and friends right up till the end.
What have you written into your story lately? How do you take care of yourself? What can you do to NOT lose yourself while being a part of others lives?
I am off to work on my taxes! Goodnight everyone.