Dad is back in the hospital. Tonight at about 5:30 Bonnie and I were getting him out of the bathroom and he collapsed. We got him down to the floor and my step sister helped keep him sitting up while I called 911. Their ambulance crew all know Dad and Bonnie...and love them dearly...(it's a small town which really helps) and one of the guys was there in just minutes.
I was truly shaken to the core. The look of blankness on his face as he sunk to the floor and the incredible muscle shaking right before he went...I can not even describe. I have seen the shaking before and certainly the weakness, etc...but I have not experienced the complete helplessness of not being able to get him where he needed to be...until tonight. My Bonnie and Dad have experienced this many many times on this journey.
Dad is scheduled to have a port put in tomorrow morning...so that Home Health care could take care on the dehydration needs at home. We are not sure now if that will be happening or not, after tonight's difficulties. He is safe and sound in the hospital right now, so we shall see what he and Bonnie decide in the morning.
I had the opportunity to stay up with Dad most of last night, as he was very restless...and woke up alot. I chose to sleep in their room on Bonnie's bed...and sent Bonnie to sleep in the spare bedroom so she might get some sleep. I know it may sound odd to call it an opportunity...and I will admit is was exhausting...just not knowing what to do for him to make him comfortable. But we "talked" a couple of times... at midnight I decided he had sunk to low in his bed...and told him we needed to get him back up in it. He said okay and so I sat him up on the edge...stood him up and told him we were going to "dance" our way up the edge of the bed (like the HHC nurse had shown us). he said okay... then after a few minutes he said "you aren't very good at this dancing thing" I sat him down...looked him square in the face and said "think of all the money you spent sending me to college to be a dance teacher:)" He did his little puckered face...I got him laying down and he fell promptly asleep...for a short time.
At 3:30, after helping him up...he sat on the edge of the bed...for about a half hour. You have to hug him up or he just slips down...but his back was bothering him and he seemed content to sit. I rubbed his back...At about 4:00 I starting asking him if he wanted to lay back down...or maybe go out in his recliner...or did he want some medicine. Then I stopped...looked at him and said "or is your daughter asking waaaaaay to many questions for 4:00 in the morning?" (The thing is is that Bonnie and I have found in the last week that he can only take one question at a time and if we ask him more...he shuts down) He said "you talk too much all the time not just at 4:00 in the morning:)"
I have some more stories to tell..and am really feeling the need to share them...I just don't want to forget a thing...but for now I need to put clothes in the dryer and try to settle down for a bit.
Thanks for reading...
Denise
It is odd and amazing that a year later it looks like we will be closing on his and Bonnie's house. Within the next few days or weeks I believe. My heart is so heavy with grief and love for this man...for my Bobo who took such good care of him...and for me, Scott and the kids who miss him so very much. During the tough times then and throughout this year I have learned a huge lesson in "who you can count on in life...and who you can't"...I learned I have incredible friends...I learned that sometimes nothing else matters except "Showing up" and being there. I have done things that have been tough for me this year...because I knew it would be helpful or a kindness for someone else. I have given up on people in my life that aren't "there for me" or my family...I still love them...but I know they are not who I go to when I need help or understanding. I pray that I have the strength to be there for the people who have taken time to be there for me. I now know that this grief doesn't get easier with time...it gets different...but not easier. I hope I have become a better listener, knowing that someone could tell me something special about themselves today, and be gone tomorrow. I know that I still react to the squeaky sound of Dad's recliner (with a smile) and agree with the kids that the squeak must not be fixed:) I know for now that I am sad...but that I have wonderful people in my life to help me get through this.
And for now, I KNOW I need to stop talking. I have spent the weekend struggling with dizziness. I so hope it is not a side effect of the LYRICA, because I look forward to some relief from pain that it is providing me. I am headed to the Drs. this afternoon to see what it might be caused by...
Dancingly, Denise
